Yesterday I was unproductive as Hell! I started the day fully intending to accomplish at least a good chunk of my list and ended up blowing off a meeting and eating sugar which totally takes me offline. So what was going on with me?
It took a bit of sleuthing, journaling, Breathwork, and other tools to tease out what the cause of my derailment was. The crux of it was fear. Fear of becoming more visible to those I’m meant to serve, fear of criticism, fear of moving forward in life, fear of success, fear of failure…you name it, that fear was probably triggered for me yesterday.
One of my mentors often says “It takes a village to deal with your Conditioned Self”. In this case, that was absolutely true! My Conditioned Self; the part of me that carries the wounds, doubts, and fears and uses all of them in an ill-conceived attempt to protect me from perceived annihilation; was in overdrive about the upcoming work I was planning and leaps I was going to be taking.
Now I’m no sissy! Taking leaps is pretty much the norm for me (bought my first rental property at 18, bought a stick-shift car in Wisconsin and drove it to Montana figuring I’d know how to drive it by the time I got there, bought a motel to rehab into a retreat center) so hitting this particular wall of fear and self-defeating behavior wasn’t something I hadn’t faced before. However, this time I decided to tackle it on several fronts that I hadn’t utilized before.
First, I placed that child self (because our Conditioned Self typically develops in childhood as an immature attempt to protect, thus the poor quality of the coping tools selected) in the center of my Spiritual Team. My Spiritual Team consists of the group of guides who’ve made themselves known to me as my helpers in this Earth walk I’m taking. It includes Jesus, Ss. Michael and Raphael, a healthy child self, my dog, several Native American healers, and others. My team surrounded my Conditioned Self with protection, love, support and the expectation of growth.
My left leg, which had been aching and burning for days, escalated into full-blown pain! I saw this as my body’s attempt to support the Conditioned Self in holding me stuck on my path. My Team continued to radiate love toward that child self, bringing her into the full light of awareness. My healthy child self was kissing the wounded child, while a playful member of my Team was engaging the wounded child in play.
Next, my teen self wanted to sit beside Jesus and soak up his loving energy. Strength, support, love, guidance, and understanding flowed her way. Occasional flares of the fears rose up, but were released on my exhales, tempered by the loving energy surrounding these wounded parts of myself. It became clear that the fears were based on illusions and that I could change those illusions.
Toward the end of this Breathwork session, I felt my creativity open up and begin to flow again. I felt the gratitude at having the tools and the Team to support me being able to make this shift so I can again move forward with serving my true purpose for being on this Earth. I felt the importance of continuing to work with my Conditioned Self so she grows to meet the present me and assist in our forward trajectory.
If you, too, struggle with being knocked offline by the fearful part of yourself, know that this is a navigable problem! Oftentimes, it’s helpful to have the support of someone outside yourself to walk you through the process since our Conditioned Self is a Rockstar at sneakiness and derailment, which we typically don’t see until later. If you’d like to learn more about this process or how I can help you negotiate this rocky path, let’s connect for a FREE 15 minute Discovery Call. You can reach me at email@example.com or text 920-606-8734.