Top Ways to Destroy Your Relationship
Today I want to share with you some awesome work by John Gottman who has spent the last 40+ years studying relationships, both healthy and unhealthy. Previous research had focused on unhealthy relationships and predictability of divorce was dismal from that research.
Gottman created a lab that looked like an apartment and had couples spend 24 hours there where they were videotaped and physiological measures collected, including, blood pressure, heart rate, sweat production, urinalysis (for stress hormones), wiggling in seat, and other measures. Gottman and his colleagues came up with a description of those who were successful at relationships as Masters and those who were unsuccessful at relationships as Disasters (not the nicest titles, but here’s what was meant).
Gottman came to see 4 things that differentiated the happy couples from the unhappy ones, which he called the 4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse:
Criticism: The Disasters were critical of their partner, telling them what they did wrong and how they should have done something. The Masters were gentle, focused on what they themselves could have done better, normalizing mistakes, and asking for what they needed.
Defensiveness: Warding off perceived attack, Disasters counter-attack “Oh yeah? Well, you suck!”, or take a victim stance “ I never do anything right for you” and get whiney.
Contempt (THIS WAS THE BEST PREDICTOR OF DIVORCE!) talking down to your partner, being derogatory, mocking partner, correcting their grammar, any statement you make from a position of presumed superiority. Interestingly, this also was the strongest predictor of infectious illnesses in the demeaned partner like colds, flu, etc over time! The theory is being degraded in your relationship suppresses your immune system, making you more vulnerable to disease. Masters, on the other hand, create a culture of appreciation and admiration of their partner. They catch their partner doing things right, say thank you, and give compliments. THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS CONSTRUCTIVE CRITICISM! Also interesting was that Master’s (positive perceptions) perceptions of reality are more accurate than Disaster’s (negative perceptions, distortions of reality)
Stonewalling: behaviorally looks like folding arms, looking away, avoiding eye contact, ignoring partner. Partner will then kick up his/her efforts to be heard by raising voice, getting in stonewaller’s face, etc all of which escalate the communication. Gottman notes that in heterosexual couples, it is largely males who stonewall. What is typically occurring under the surface is he’s struggling with an escalated heart rate and trying to self-soothe through inner monologue “Just keep quiet. If you open your mouth, all hell will break loose. Just shut up until she’s done yammering, then get lost as quick as you can…” Masters, on the other hand, will track their speaker, nodding, mirroring, verbal supports like “I see” and “Ok”. When they feel their heart rate increase, they control it with a humorous aside, then get back to the topic “Man, is anybody else sweating here? Ok, so you think I don’t do my share of the work around here? Tell me more.”
Beyond the usefulness of the above descriptions, it is also interesting to note that Gottman’s predictability of divorce using his measures was 90% accurate 3 years beyond the study! That is a huge improvement over the previous research. It also lends tremendous credibility to his 4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse as significant measures of success in marriage.
So how can you use this information for the benefit of your relationships? I would suggest you pick the one “horseman” above that you see as a major issue for yourself and be mindful of Gottman’s suggestions on how to correct this often fatal relationship flaw. Practice periodically throughout the day and see how dramatically it can change your life and your relationships!